Think On These Things

Ups and Downs

Yesterday was one of those days that makes it quite obvious that life has its ups and downs. And sideways and diagonally - whichever way the wind blows. But I cannot always tell exactly what kind of wind is blowing. Whatever kind of wind is happens to be, it is a strong wind. Today was like the "Forunately....Unfortunately..." joke. That kind of up and down.

The heat these days is a constant. It is neither an up or a down. It just is. But I got up early to take my wife, Cyndy, to work, dropping off our oldest son, Conner, at football practice on the way. The only reason that it was a down was because I’m not good at getting up early. On a good day.

Cyndy and I had been working outside in the heat all weekend and we were both tired. Let me just say we could have slept better. But our bodies were still trying to let the heat dissipate that we had absorbed. Not to mention the hot flashes we have both been going through. Which is not exactly one of the things either one of us wanted to share with the other.

But while Conner was at practice, the younger two boys acted better than they have in a while. Even after Conner came back from practice they all acted like the sons I had not seen for years. Then while all three sons were at the library, I went to the middle school and enrolled Cameron and J.D. into school after two years of my homeschooling them. That was an incredible up for me.

After two years I will be able to be alone at my desk during the day to get my writing done. I will no longer have to wait until after the family goes to bed before doing my writing. Or getting up early and doing what I can before I wake them up. Theoretically they will act better at home because they will not be home as much. The summer with all three of them home has been hard on me. And then on Cyndy when she returned home from work.

Then I fixed fajitas after Cyndy got the fire started while she watered her plants and set out the soaker hoses. The fajitas were good - not just my opinion, that is what they said. Conner had gone on to bed. Four hours of football practice a day is going to have that effect on him. Then the younger two fell back into some old habits. Even if they were not as bad as they have been.

Then a relative called and said some things you would not expect a relative to say. Up and down we go. But, looking at it in my optimistic, realistic way, there were more ups than downs today. As Christians, Cyndy and I try to relish the ups and not put too much emphasize on the downs. Not that we shrug them off. They will need to be dealt with in time. But the up times give us the strength to see the down times through. With faith in the Lord - and his guidance - we will see it all through.

Up and down days do not seem as bad as they do when we go through them in retrospect and after prayer. Which is a good thing. With the school year beginning and church activities beginning to pick up considerable speed, the events and activities will begin to run rampant through my planner. Cyndy and I will feel like ping pong balls.

Peace be with you.

Closure is Misunderstood and Misused

It bothers me how easily words are thrown around so much that they begin to lose their meaning. Then they become used so that the speaker does not have to have a vocabulary or have to use the vocabulary they have. Words like cool, and far-out, - more in my younger days, but I still hear it. There are others of course - genius is another one - but my nemesis of catch-all words or phrases is awesome. These words have grown to have little meaning. They are used because the speaker does not want to think. When someone says "awesome," very few times are they actually in awe of what they are referring to. Most of the time, commendable, or congratulations, anything specific to the actually feeling will work better.

Yet one bothers me about as much as awesome bothers me as a writer. And that is closure. "The family needs closure." "Well, at least he or she or they have closure now." In most cases that is simply not so. In the Dallas Morning News today there was an article detailing how DNA helped to solve a twelve year old missing persons case.

A detective put the DNA of a missing boy’s mother into the database and the database linked it with the DNA of a "John Doe." The family finally knew about their boy. A niece of the boy said the deceased boy’s mother and sister did not want to talk publicly about the news. The niece said "It gives us closure."

I am sorry, but I do not think so. They still do not know how he died or why. The records from the John Doe he turned out to be stated that he had been hit by a train. Even if that is so, they still do not know if it was an accident or suicide. And, at least in this life, they will never know why either way. There will always be questions. To have all the answers would be closure. And several of the questions only God can answer.

The detective who helped to solve the case - whose own brother has been missing for thirty years - stated: "In some sense, I’m sure... [the boy’s] family is relieved to at least be able to put things behind." That my friends, is what we all want. To be able to put it in the past and move on with our lives. I think the detective put it well.

But it is not closure. My younger brother, Dennis, was killed during a robbery twenty years ago. An employee that Dennis, who managed the restaurant, had worked hard to help was the robber/murderer. Dennis left a fourth of July party early the night before so he could fill in the next morning for a co-manager. The employee later said that he was sorry it was Dennis - he really did not want to kill my brother. But he had been planning it for two weeks. Ultimately it did not matter to him who was there - it was already planned.

My brother’s killer is serving life without parole in a California prison. God help me, I was hoping for the death penalty. Looking back, however, I don’t know if I could have handled it if he had been given the death penalty. This way he has the rest of his life to ponder the consequences and the effect his actions had on a multitude of people - including himself.

I still wonder why God let my brother take the extra shift at the restaurant. I wonder why the man did not re-schedule his plan when he saw that it was Dennis. There was an opportunity for him to do so before showing his hand, as it were. At the time I wondered why the Lord did not take me instead. Dennis had the better life at the time. The questions continue. So even though I know all the circumstance surrounding my brother’s death, I still do not have closure.

There is only one way to truly have closure. And that is when you leave this earthly life and return to your heavenly father. Then you will know. Then you will have closure. But by then it will not matter anymore.

Peace be with you.

Climbing - In Trees, On Sheds, and In Life

Our youngest son, J.D. has always been a climber. The doctor did ease him out of Cyndy’s womb - he climbed out. He was reaching the cabinets when he found out shelves made handy steps - almost before he could walk with any confidence. There were times when it appeared that he did not even need toeholds to climb a wall. It was not long before he could be found sitting on top of the refrigerator eating whatever he brought with him. It was usually something he was not supposed to be eating even though it was food of some sort.

When J.D. was big enough to climb trees he began to worry me. Cyndy would tell him to come down and go into the house - she could not watch. All three boys would be practicing casting with the fishing rods or playing with something else that would get caught in the tree. When something was caught in the tree, J.D. had an excuse for climbing the tree. Not that he needed one.

He would climb on the smallest limbs. Some that would begin to vibrate under his weight if not downright shake. I would be getting more nervous and anxious by the second while trying to convince him to come down.

"But, Dad, I’ve almost got it he would say." His perceived goal more important than listening to his father’s worried advice.

When we moved into our new home in January, we had more trees and a shed in the backyard. The tree limbs over the shed were too small to allow access from the trees, but climbing up the fence and then onto the shed was a "piece of cake" for J.D. I would worry all the more when all three of them were on top of the shed. The chances increased of someone falling off - even by accident.

However, at the same time I was anxiously telling them to get down, I was somewhat jealous of the innocent fun they were having While I was telling them not to jump off, I was remembering that jumping off would have been the first thing I would have done at their age. But I had been practicing my art of tuck and roll landing. Which was a concept that has not occurred to my sons. I pictured a serious thud as boy hit immovable object, followed by a trip to the hospital.

I have always had a good sense of my own limits. If I was doing something I was not supposed to be doing, I stopped before my personal offense was more serious than I could explain away and be forgiven for doing. As I grew older I realized I had been smart enough to feel God’s "hand" on my shoulder (more than likely the result of the effect my parents’ words and my Christian upbringing on my conscience.

If you pay attention, to your inner self and your conscience, the Lord will help to lead you toward the right decisions. I long for the day that our teenagers will steer away from following their testosterone and emotionally charged urges towards the spiritually filled conscience and maturity to which Cyndy and I have tried to guide them. Until then I’ll just have to be nervous and anxious until they climb down from the roof of the shed or limbs of the tree. Thanking the Lord when they do so safely yet again.

Peace be with you.

Pop Christianity Marketing

I have been reading "The Culturally Savvy Christian," a book by Dick Staub. In the introduction Staub makes the following statement. "Sadly, I have concluded that the early intellectual and cultural aspirations of evangelicals have, with some exceptions, largely given way to a pop Christianity that mirrors and sometimes exceeds the superficiality of popular culture."

Obviously, there is much more in the book and I am enjoying reading it. But I could not help but be drawn by this statement. In the age of "The Purpose Driven Life," and other similarly books with a cute title designed for marketing with very little substance between the covers. Through advertising and marketing, designed to make an average or newly converted Christian feel like less of a Christian if he or she has not read it. Having a copy on their coffee table, owning the journal - without opening it no one knows the pages are blank except for the first five pages - makes them a stronger Christian. Having the whole set of promotional items - all matching - makes them an even stronger Christian.

The author and marketing machine combine to take cutsy titles with elongated chapters of a standard number of pages (8-10 pages for example). The essence of those pages could be stated by an actual writer in three or four pages, still with asides. The rest is restated drivel. Like the added words of a high school student attempting to stretch a simple thesis into the required number of words for the assignment.

The problem is that "pop Christianity" has been allowed to run rampant because there is a lack of well written, tight, concise material written for small group Bible study. On the mistaken premise that no one will be literate enough to notice. Yet they underestimate the coming of the boomer generation to an older age combined with a more culturally savvy younger generation. Sure, most of the younger generation spends much time online and on video games. Watching television shows based on pop culture nonsense. But they too will grow out of it - it will no longer be enough to satisfy their temporal urges.

Speaking as a boomer, our parents will "retire" from leading small groups - Sunday schools and other groups using small group studies. The younger members (from young adults to those up to sixty years of age) of the Sunday school classes and smaller study groups in the church will not only feel unfulfilled with the material, but come to insist on material with substance. Hopefully the upcoming authors will not fall victim to the marketing shark and stick with truly faith driven material. Until then, the only available material will be more marketing slogan titled material that does not back up the cutely attractive slogans/titles with writing of substance.

Peace be with you.

No One Said It Would Be Easy

Being a parent is tremendously trying,

With pleasant moments

Yet difficulty never ends

But no one said it would be easy.

Relationships with parents

Is often disconcerting

We do not stop being selfish (naturally)

But no one said it would be easy.

Situations and relationships

Develop - toward good times

Deteriorate - troubled times

But no one said it would be easy.

I love my children, but...

I love my spouse, but...

I love my parents, but...

No one said it would be easy.

Jesus was the son of God,

And son of man,

Persecuted, loved, gave his life,

But no one said it would be easy.

We give our lives to the Lord,

We pray for his help,

He does what is best for us,

But he never said it would be easy.

If it were easy everyone would be following

The Lord and his son, Jesus,

There would be no need for disciples or witnessing

If it were going to be easy.

Original sin is not having complete faith in our creator

Or complete faith in our parents,

Or complete faith in our children,

Or complete faith in our spouses,

Or complete faith in ourselves,

Which is why it is not easy.

Fatherly Moments

As much of a problem that teenagers can be - especially two at a time with one on the way - there are the moments that almost justifies the troubled times. Moments that give a parent a sense that things might actually improve (albeit slowly). Our oldest son and I had one of those moments tonight. After disturbing family moments - less common than usual, but disturbing moments none the less - I called my son downstairs for a talk. Everyone was heading for bed and I thought that Conner was ready for a man to man talk.

I began to talk to Conner, first explaining what Cyndy and I had given up and would give up in exchange for them simply making an effort and thinking of the family. Initially, he just seemed to be listening as he usually appeared to - half-heartedly and with reservation. But as the conversation went along he began to look at me with an "I’m starting to get it" look in his eyes. What had begun for me as an "I’m like my Dad" moment turned into a "I hope I’m as good as my Dad was" moment.

There are few times in a father’s life when he feels as if he is making a difference. Rather than just bouncing off the emotions and childish cravings of his children. Very few times in which he thinks he is making a difference in his children’s lives. In which he feels he is accomplishing something and making a difference. I had one of those times tonight.

If you have been a parent, you understand. If you are a parent, maybe you can - if nothing else - gain some insight or comfort in what Cyndy and I are going through as parents. If you are newlyweds planning on having a family or someone who has not met your lifetime mate yet, but want to find a loving spouse and raise a family, take heart. Trust me - it will help if you find, or have found, a church you are comfortable with for your future family. Then trust in the Lord.

Will it be tough? I’d like to tell you no, but that is an impossibility. It will be tough. How tough, though, depends on you and your faith in the Lord. It will never be easy or get easier. There will however, be times when you will feel it has been worth it. Times when your children let you know that your efforts were not in vain.

Those times will be few and far between. Yet they will make up for all the troubled times. Do not forget that the prerequisite for those times is a strong faith in the Lord.

Peace be with you.

Ending A Week, Beginning Another

It has been a week since I posted anything. Monday was my Birthday and Cyndy was home from work all week. Ordinarily, Cyndy’s being off all week would be a good thing, but our boys insisted on making it as difficult as possible to have time alone.

Monday night, we went to my parents for cake and ice cream for my birthday. My parents just returned from a two week river cruise which included a stop at the Gutenberg Museum. They have reconstructed the original Gutenberg press. My birthday present was the first page of the Gospel of John in Latin printed on the Gutenberg press in a nice frame. Along with a book on Gutenberg.

It was one of the best gift my parents have given me and there have been many wonderful gifts from them. I’m trying to decide the best place to hang it. They bought it on the trip and had it shipped back here. I greatly appreciate it.

I will get back with the posts tomorrow. Our boys tested us in the past week. Yet at the same time, the Lord was answering my prayers. I will do my past to pass it on.

Peace be with you.

Patience

I used to have patience. When I was our sons’ ages I raised my voice to my mother once with my father in earshot. He let me know his complete displeasure with me. Although I still argued with my mother (I was a teenager after all), I do not remember raising my voice to her again. I yelled at my brother and cursed him once. My father instantly appeared and I once again felt the brunt of his disapproval. My father’s disappointment in me hurt me deeply. As with my anger with my mother in the previous instance, the anger dissipated into a cloud of regret.

I always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. As a stutterer since I can remember, I have always thought before speaking. Often I would not speak at all, simply to avoid stuttering. I still do not like talking on the phone because I cannot see the person I am talking to and read their reactions. Following a phone call in which someone offended me in some way, I did (and do) analyze the conversation until I have it logically understood. Admittedly - especially when I was younger - sometimes overanalyzed and misunderstood.

As a general rule though, I was correct. Mainly in understanding the caller’s feelings. I avoided many possible conflicts. During my short, ill-fated first marriage - the sole benefit of which was a beautiful daughter - my patience was stretched by her lack of patience, but remained solid. In my years of single parenthood my parents helped greatly with my daughter Jennifer while I endured numerous roommates and a constant feeling of failure.

Throughout the many roommates my patience was continually tested and I reacted better than most. Although I had my lapses. I kept giving every one the benefit of the doubt until they proved to me through their actions that they were not worth it. At times I even swallowed enough pride to choke before voicing my displeasure with the circumstances. I always held more inside than I should have - I have had stomach ulcers since I was eighteen. But thinking everything through ad nauseam allowed me to retain patience and a settled stomach. While keeping the embarrassment of stuttering to a minimum.

When I reconnected with Cyndy - we were friends in high school and dated soon after and again a few years later - we realized that we should have never parted. She has always been the love of my life. It simply took me a long time to realize it. Her temper is a little quicker than mine. She wants to react instantly while I take time to mull it over. It has to be a result of the way I deal with my stuttering because I am Irish, which is translated as quick tempered. Let me interject here that I am not saying I do not have a temper. As I said, I am Irish. But I take time to think before reacting - at least I used to.

Then we had three boys - two within the first two years of marriage. My patience was continually tested, but remained intact for the most part. Even the rising expense of a growing family barely diluted my patience. When our oldest son reached his teenage years it was touch and go. Then the middle son became a teenager and the youngest was within spitting distance. My patience blew out like a tire going flat on the highway while doing sixty-five miles an hour.

I still have patience when reacting to people outside the family. But our sons do not have to step very hard to squeeze my last nerve to the boiling point. Explosion becomes imminent. Then I regret my reaction. Yet not as much as I hurt at the way my sons are acting towards me. And towards Cyndy. Patience fades and helplessness begins to take it’s place. "Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile" is written for teenagers as far as I am concerned.

I constantly pray for more patience and understanding. If I could return to my former level of patience I would be content. If the boys would understand that and let it soak in, all would be well. But the fact that the Lord understands helps me to retain the patience I have not had forced from me. My faith will eventually assist me in returning my patience once again to a manageable level.

Our boys continually test us - stretching it to the limit. They are in the constant flux of the teenage years. Yet the faith that my parents passed down to me remains strong enough to get through the problems that arise. It does not make it easier. But, Lord willing, our boys will mature, the anger at the world not going the way they want will subside, and our patience will begin to rebuild itself. First, however, we must face tomorrow - with the Lord’s help.

Peace be with you.

Alone Time for Parents

Since it so frequently becomes apparent, I was thinking about the latest instance in which Cyndy and I proved that we have little time together because of our children. It is even more irritating when I realize that we are not breaking new parental ground. Combined with the fact that it is not up to the parents whether they break new parental ground or not. Comedians make money from the jokes about a situation common to all parents.

Jeff Dunham, a ventriloquist with an increasing stable of "dummies" has a line in his routine with Walter, a supposed old codger.

"When was the last time you and your wife had [an intimate moment]?" Jeff asks.

"I’m married, you moron!" Walter replies.

The joke is funny because it is a universal truth. All parents can relate. Since everyone has parents, they can relate, because it only dawned on them after they left home that their parents actually had intimate moments. But it makes a good joke because everyone gets it.

I’m reminded of the studies I prepared for the 7^th grade Sunday school (we call them Christ Focus Groups - I add that because I see relevance in the distinction). We were studying the life of the people in the Old Testament. Although I think the leaders got more out of the lessons than the youth, I hope we stressed enough of the right points to get the basic ideas across to them.

We were studying the travels of Abraham and his descendants through Israel and the Negev desert, and later, Egypt. After having the children noted in the Bible, the father was to have lived for over a hundred years, having "other sons and daughters." Abram sent 318 men to rescue his nephew Lot. Which would mean he had up to possibly 600 people in his caravan. Not to mention camels, donkeys, goats, sheep and other animals in abundance - someone had to carry the supplies!

The few moments Cyndy and I get to spend with each other seem like vacations in comparison to Abraham and Sarah. We only have three boys coming in to ask us for what they want or what they can have that they think they deserve just for having been brought into the world. Abraham and Sarah, and their descendants, had hundreds. And we do not have to pack up and move every few days, months, or years.

Even if we do have to move, we can rent a truck or hire movers. We do not have to oversee crops and supplies gathered and loaded. Or count livestock, of which they had to make sure care was taken on the journey. Or deal with people traipsing through our tent at all hours of the day. But we do always have a problem that needs to be dealt with.

Understanding does make it any easier to deal with. Just because we know that it has been that way and will be that way after we are gone does not do away with the disappointment of seldom being able to have an extended conversation. Much less real alone time. But God certainly gave Abraham strength and he will just as certainly give us strength. Faith and knowing does not always make us feel better. I doubt it made Abraham and Sarah feel a lot better.

But Cyndy and I have faith, as did Abraham and Sarah. Faith does not ease the pain or discomfort. But the Lord did not promise it would. He promised that he would get us through the pain and discomfort. He did not promise it would go away - just that he would get us through it if we had faith. We have faith and the Lord gets us through it. While it bothers me, I do not think one of my sons will kill the other as Cain did Abel.

Yet a prodigal son is a possibility. And you know what? The Lord will get us through it.

Peace be with you.

Teenagers, Pt. 3

As much as I talk about how difficult teenagers can be, I must admit that Cyndy and I are fortunate. We raised our children in an atmosphere of church activities and accountability to God at home. We have made mistakes, but we never presented ourselves to our children as perfect. Because of that we do not have the major problems that other parents of teens have.

Our boys may drive us crazy. They may not do chores. They may think they are in charge. They may argue with us - even yelling at times. But we can be confident that they do not do drugs. It would not occur to them to have an alcoholic drink. They would not smoke if given the opportunity. We cannot depend on them to pick up after themselves or clean up their rooms. But when they are not with us, we can trust them to the degree that they will not go against the Christian values with which they were raised.

The children’s director tells us how helpful the older two were with the younger children. The youth director very rarely has a concern about their behavior. Their friends’ parent s tell us how good all three boys have acted at their house. Yet they do not act that way at home. Quite the contrary.

We can deal with their actions at home. It is hard at times, but we can deal with it. But the fact that we can drop them off at the recreation center, the pool, the library, or a friend’s house and not have to worry about them other than what time they will be home is worth some extra problems within the household. As a general rule if they are out of the house we can do what needs done without extra worrying.

It all comes down to raising them in a church family as well as our own. With a Christian upbringing in which we have never presented ourselves as infallible parents or without sin we can rest easy when they are away from the house. We expect them to give us a hard time. We gave our parents a hard time. It is how normal teenagers act. We will take normal - that works for us.

When you are raising children is one of the best times to trust in the Lord. If you raise your children so that they trust the Lord, the family problems will work themselves out. It is just a matter of time. True, we wish they would trust us, but that is not historically feasible. Teenagers do not trust their parents.

As always, we can thank God for our good fortune. Our boys may try to get away with not doing chores or cleaning their rooms, but they - for the most part - are religious children. For that we can be grateful. Even when they tell us to go jump in a lake. But we can trust them when they go somewhere. Which is almost enough to offset their disturbing behavior at home. Either way our love and faith can get us through it all.

Peace be with you.